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Guest Post: The Macaroni Song

Today’s guest post comes via Mrs. Nostrikethat and the antics of Howling Mad Murdoch. I have to preface this story by pointing out that the little guy attends what some people might call a “Posh” private preschool. It’s the kind of place where the drop-off line is full of Lexus and Mercedes SUVs with stickers on them exorbitantly-priced private high schools. It’s the kind of place, for example, one might send one’s child when one inherits a miniscule sum of money from a distant relative and decides that relative might have wished it go to further an education, instead of going towards boxes o’ wine. It’s all very precious and we are generally pretty amused by the whole scene.

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The House Daddy

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The House Daddy (Paternis Plantsversuszombicus) is a slow moving species, particularly in the morning. This specimen was captured and tagged by researchers with a hair band while sunning himself in the morning on a recliner with a cup of coffee. Note the fuzzy bathrobe which is used when caring for his offspring by holding random crap in the pockets, marsupial fashion, like used tissues or baggies of Cheez-its.

I wonder sometimes about what kind of damage I’m doing to my kids. It’s easy as a parent, and particularly a dad, to focus on all of the things I don’t do. What bad habits of mine are they inheriting from me?

Is my daughter doomed to a life of being constantly 15-45 minutes late for everything?

Is my oldest going to grow up to be an insufferable know-it-all?

Is Faceman going to pass gas not because it’s necessary, but because it’s hysterical?

The best moments for me have been when I’ve discovered I have influenced them somehow, but in a way I never expected.

***

My youngest is 4 years old right now. For the past 4 years, or his entire life, I have been a remote employee at a series of companies. I would leave occasionally for meetings or to see clients, but for four years I didn’t work for a company with an office in my part of the world, so I was a virtual employee.

There are a lot of perks with this lifestyle:

  • I could go a month sometimes without gassing up the car
  • Email in your pajamas still counts as work
  • It’s a lot easier to get a solid 8 hours of sleep when you don’t have to waste 2 hours of your workday sitting in traffic

On the other hand, there are serious drawbacks:

  • Some mornings you get started working early and before you know it, it’s 3 o’clock and you haven’t showered, groomed, or eaten
  • Social isolation is real and crippling… you don’t miss your infantile co-workers until they have been replaced by actual infants.
  • You hear “WIPE MY BUTT” in the workday far more often than you ever thought possible.

Recently, I got what Mrs. Nostrikethat charitably refers to as “A Real Job” for a big company that involves me getting out of bed at approximately the same time every day and, on most days, going someplace that is not my house. We have all mostly adapted, but from the 4 year old’s perspective THE WORLD HAS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN.

I have already remarked on the Absence of Mom. It’s pretty clear to me that Mom only gets noticed when she’s trying to do something fairly harmless, like poop by herself. I didn’t really count on the Absence of Dad though, even though my wife swears that’s all the kids talk about whenever I leave is when will I return.

Truthfully, my 4 year old was probably more in tune with the disruption in my life than I was. I found this out one day when I got home from work and Mrs. Nostrikethat suggested I engage the youngest in a conversation about what he wanted to be when he grows up:

Daddy. When I grow up, I want to be a House Daddy.

That sounds pretty good. What does a House Daddy do?

He stays at home and works and plays Plants vs. Zombies.

…That sounds awesome.

The little glimpse into the unfiltered, surprisingly perceptive mind of a child was both funny and a little bittersweet. I may not be a true House Daddy any more, but I can still squeeze in a few rounds of Plants vs. Zombies before bedtime.

Maybe Santa will bring someone a new bathrobe for Christmas…

 

Guest post: Halloween shopping is AWESOME

Not to be outdone by her big brother, my lovely daughter has decided to join the blogging universe. All exclamation marks used in this post are organic, free-range, and humanely harvested. Enjoy!


A couple days ago I went to the local costume shop to find a costume. My friend was going to meet me outside the store but my younger brother decided he wanted to be a Storm Trooper from Star Wars and we had to look at the costume now. (Brothers, am I right?) So we asked the very obviously bored store-guy to bring the costume to us.

Just as he brought it my brother decided he didn’t want to be a Storm Trooper because the costume didn’t come with a light saber. Just then my friend came up, and one thing you should know about this friend is she takes her shopping seriously!

So she was trying to decide two costumes to try on, and decided to help me find mine. I came in looking to be something candy-like. We didn’t find any super cute ones, but we found 6 other ones! So I spent half an hour trying them on then, decided I didn’t want any of them. I wanted a completely different one, a Mad Hatter costume.

The first one I tried on the zipper was busted.  Then I finally found one with a working zipper. Naturally, once I put it on I had to find a matching wig!  The first pink one was a COMPLETELY different shade of pink. The second one was red. Finally, I found a color I liked, RAINBOW!

Then, I realized I wanted a boa, so I tried on 16 boas, a blue one, a purple one, orange, green, red, pink, rainbow, yellow, maroon, indigo, neon green, neon pink, glow in the dark, magenta, periwinkle, and black. It turns out the whole time my brother was whining and complaining about how he wasn’t feeling well. Whoops. After I tried on all 16 boas I decided none of them matched well enough with my outfit, but I bought one anyway!

In my head I thought that I would put it on my dog, this is what I figured he would look like:

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Then I realized two things. First, he is not a Chihuahua, and second, he is FAT  slightly chubby.

But this is the first costume I tried on:

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: I loved it… until, I remembered I wore it 2 years ago. That would be so embarrassing to be seen in a costume from TWO YEARS ago! Finally, the last costume I tried on:

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It was perfect! Then I remembered the fact that my little brother was not feeling good. Again, whoops. All though, thankfully it turned out he was just hungry. I was very glad, because I did not want him vomiting all over my new costume. Then we bought MEGA M&Ms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YUM!

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Keep celebrating Halloween! Remember, FREE CANDY I mean, ummm… oh, fun and dressing up! Thanks for reading my post, and I hope you enjoyed a look into a 5th grader’s mind around Halloween!

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