9 Kinds of Dads at the Pool

I really enjoyed the Scary Mommy post “Types of Moms you Meet at the Pool” and I was a little disappointed that there wasn’t very much diversity in the Dad ecosystem at my favorite aquatic habitat. So I donned my trusty fedora and set off to do a little field research, and now I can safely say I’m wrong. I present the results of my findings, complete with fake Latin names because I watched a lot of Wile E. Coyote cartoons as a kid.

Road-Runner-Latin

1) Just-came-from-work Dad

Paternis inasuiticus

This Dad is typically a nocturnal species, emerging as the sun starts to set. He appears, usually at swim practice, in full office garb, instead of going home to change first like a sensible person. This appears to be a remnant of behavior from pre-Dad days, as it advertises his fitness to reproduce by showing that he has a Real Job. If the mate is already present, it is definitely a show-off move designed to allow his mate to demonstrate her success at garnering a suitable breeding partner.

2) Yelling Dad

Paternis bellowsalota

This species’s primary habitat is on the shores of chlorinated bodies of water. This species is notable for a wide range of calls it performs at maximum volume. No one is sure why the Yelling Dad does this, but some researchers theorize he is attempting to use the air from his lungs to propel his offspring across the water. Yelling Dads are usually wearing athletic clothing from some other sport, frequently football, which leads other researchers to believe that perhaps this is not a distinct species at all and just some dudes who are lost on the way to a sports bar.

3) Statistician Dad

Paternis pencilpocketus

The “Stat Dad” is frequently found perched somewhere above chlorinated bodies of water, quietly but intently observing every activity in the pool. This dad is most known for his detailed, multi-tabbed, color-coded spreadsheet showing his offspring’s relative rankings at the club, state, district, and national levels. Statistician dads favor baseball caps and actually care about baseball. Do not make the mistake of assuming that their lack of volume does not equal ferocity: many a rival has woken in the hospital recovering from mechanical pencil stab wounds and a clipboard-induced concussion.

4) Fun Dad

Paternis throwthekidicus

Paternis throwthekidicus is the only observed aquatic species of Pool Dads. Fun Dads seem to prefer repeatedly ejecting their offspring from the water in what appears to be an attempt to get their offspring to swim away and start their own family. This never seems to work, however, as the offspring continue to return, only to be thrown again and again. Paternis throwthekdicus is easily identified by the outrageously bad pair of swimming trunks that were obviously purchased by his mate in an attempt to disguise his suitability for breeding and ward off competition. Sometimes Fun Dads can be found in the more shallow bodies of chlorinated water, in which case they can be identified by nearby pink or blue-colored offspring and/or an abundance of pool toys and flotation devices.

5) Granddad Dad

Paternis granpaternis

Grandad Dad is a close relative of Fun Dad and engages in similar behaviors, just a little more slowly and with more attendant grunts of effort. Paternis granpaternis frequently displays black markings on the feet up to knee height, and may also have a large floppy hat. Late in the day, although sometimes as early as lunch time, some are observed to turn bright red in coloring, because back in his day he didn’t wear sunscreen and he turned out just fine, no matter what your grandmother might say.

6) Office Dad

Paternis gottaworkus

Office Dad appears to be a relative of Paternis inasuitacus, and some researchers believe they might be the same. Office Dads are normally only found at indoor pools on the weekends, usually with the laptop, inkjet printer, folding desk, wheelie chair, and Nespresso machine. They can also be identified by their detachment from their surroundings, conversations with imaginary friends, and shortened life expectancy. Researchers theorize this may be an evolutionary  “dead end”.

7) Slacker Dad

Paternis notthatmucha

Paternis notthatmucha’s habitat is any shady spot near the pool which enhances the visibility of his smartphone. Noted for their drab plumage such as flip flops, shorts, and a faded Dead Milkmen t-shirt. Slacker Dads are notable for the lack of accessories associated with their (probably) nearby offspring, including pool toys, sunscreen, towels, and frequently bathing suits.

8) Hercules Dad

Paternis toofiticus

Paternis toofiticus is notable for being the most muscular of the Paternis family. Attire is usually a pair of Oakley sunglasses that are welded to his cranium. Females are advised to maintain at least a 10 foot separation as spontaneous, airborne pregnancies have been documented arising from close contact with Hercules Dad. Also avoid eye contact as that may cause leg weakening and uncontrollable lip-wetting. Researchers are unable to determine how this species can maintain a state of physical near perfection and be good with his kids because he’s obviously a giant d-bag I mean just look at him.

9) Mom Dad

Paternis nurtura

Paternis nurtura is a recent discovery but researchers are startled to find these members of the Paternis family in ever-greater numbers. Unlike every other member of the genus, the Paternis nurtura bears the primary responsibility for raising the offspring. This mystifying behavior has led some to believe that this species is actually not actually of genus Paternis at all, because everyone knows boys can’t be be loving, nurturing, or responsible. Mom Dads are identified by their multitude of pouches which contain an assortment of wipes, snacks, drinks, toys, and burbons.

Further research is recommended until Labor Day, ideally with a cooler containing beverages of an uncertain nature. If you spot any new species, let me know!

 

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89 responses to “9 Kinds of Dads at the Pool”

  1. Miriam says :

    But you didn’t say which dad you are 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nostrikethat says :

      Prime Directive: do not interfere with the native cultures. 😉

      I may have, at various points, shown up at the pool in a suit, or in flip-flops. I may have also attempted to throw my kids to freedom, or I might have taken a nap. As far as I know, I have never impregnated anyone just by getting within 10 feet of them. I may or may not have a Scottevest travel jacket with 27 pockets, including both a “Sippy Cup” pocket and a “Daddy Juice Cup” pocket.

      Liked by 9 people

  2. AC says :

    Is there an iPhone dad type? One who surfs the net and watches old swim videos on YouTube of their kids swimming while their kids are actually swimming?

    How about a documentation dad that records everything, but isn’t actually paying attention to what he records? I.e. he’s more into the actual of act of recording itself.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. ashokbhatia says :

    Dads who are routinely seen splashing about the pool with their off-springs but with eyes busy profiling the statistics of the delicately nurtured moms around in the pool would fall in which category? Perhaps in one called ‘paternus oglosus’?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. jackdanielcaine says :

    haha love it

    Like

  5. Life Of An Optimistic Kid says :

    haha the Hercules dad has me dying of laughter. Good one!

    Like

  6. henrygame says :

    Henry read once of a tenth breed of dad; the Paternis Pervertis. Known for their sporting of black out sunglasses that they use to intensly watch the female species. They have been known to linger behind the rest of the family and watch other people’s mating partners from afar. Most recent scientific research has revealed that with this particular strain of Paternis, the Pervertis may very well share a connection to the feral species. Best to mantain a safe distance.

    Like

  7. a renaissance man says :

    you made my lunch experience much more enjoyable…Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. katkatz says :

    love this, too funny:-) Maybe you’ll go into the cross breeds next time, – dads that fall into more than one of the categories…..

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Skye says :

    Funny! Great research. lol

    Like

  10. erinsasse95 says :

    Reblogged this on staysasse and commented:
    😄 loveee it

    Like

  11. wakingofthebear says :

    Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed.

    Like

  12. BWLEtravel says :

    You totally nailed it. Good job!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. themediocrityproject says :

    This is golden. Love it!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. ashiedesilva says :

    This is so funny!! Thank you for making me laugh so early in the morning:D

    Like

  15. pezcita says :

    The “Latin” in this post brings back fond memories of my own dad trying to pronounce the various species names in a book we had about penguins – and butchering them horribly! I’m not sure where he fits in this spectrum because we only ever swam in my Mom’s hometown, and Dad was seldom present. “Paternis Nothereacus” seems too harsh considering he was (is) such a great dad outside of the pool. How about “Paternis Thereinspiritus”?

    Liked by 1 person

  16. MommieDiary says :

    LOL funny! Mom-Dad is my favorite!

    Like

  17. xxamongthefallenxx says :

    These are pretty accurate descriptions of the types of dads that you see at public pools. I’ve personally seen more “mom dads” than anything else. They’re usually the ones that are forced to carry the pool bag with all the towels and hold the hands of his offspring while the mom is either too busy trying to find enough open chairs or is either isn’t present at all.

    Like

  18. kagisozinx says :

    Loooool hilarious

    Like

  19. avalongray says :

    Hah that was hilarious.

    Like

  20. Payton says :

    i think it is really funny to read. mostly the mom dad species and the Hercules dad!!! tee hee love it!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. DarkHarte Travel and Photography says :

    This is very funny – nice post!

    Like

  22. Seafarr says :

    hilarious!

    Like

  23. leadinglight says :

    Okay, I’m going to try to identify the species of dads when I next go swimming. Thoroughly entertaining!

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Joy says :

    love this post and your sense of humour 😉

    Like

  25. 2davesarebetterthan1 says :

    Brilliant …. thanks for posting!

    Like

  26. Gry Ranfelt says :

    Damn, this was hilarious 😀 Do you generally do these sort of little sciency analysis of everyday stuff?

    Like

  27. tiredella says :

    This is just hilarious! I recognize all of these types from my childhood pool visits, especially the Paternis throwthekidicus!

    Like

  28. Love, Life & Whatever says :

    It was one fun of a read….smart though….liked it….

    Like

  29. fitalittlebit says :

    I’m going to laugh all day at this. This is true. I loved the created named as well.

    Like

  30. Liberty Belle says :

    Cute read, thank you for posting! Especially noted the “slacker Dad” showing off his smart-phone, from which he has difficulty averting his eyes, causing his offspring to repeatedly bellow, “Look at me Dad, look at me!”

    Liked by 1 person

  31. amethystpa says :

    Haha my dad was the paternis throwthekidicus, he loved throwing me in the water, but embarrassingly was given Speedos by his mate, to show off her choice of partner. Eek. I was very you g so luckily wasn’t too scarred and loved being thrown and backflipped into the pool. Thanks for the giggles and excellent Latin interpretations

    Liked by 2 people

  32. whenlifeisgood says :

    This made me laugh out loud! Peternis throwthekidicus. How in the world did you come up with these? Brilliant, just brilliant.

    Like

  33. Aikido no Sekai (RolyPolyAikiLady) says :

    A good article makes you laugh, a great article makes you laugh and comes to mind whenever you are in a situation…This is a great piece, from now on, I will be mentally scrolling through this list of Dads in my mind when I go to the pool, about 500 steps away from where I live..Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  34. LibraLadyJane says :

    high-five!! funny take on the pool side dads 🙂

    Like

  35. jessalizzi says :

    This is very funny! thank you for sharing… I went ahead and emailed this straight to my dad! haha 🙂
    Jess

    Like

  36. jensiper says :

    that was fun to read. I guess there are no perfect dads out there

    Like

  37. W. Chanley says :

    Reblogged this on CUTISA and commented:
    Cute and worth sharing.

    Like

  38. creativeconfessions says :

    This is hilarious! What a great read.

    Like

  39. Anuradha Sarup says :

    Ha ha have classified all my friends while reading this

    Liked by 2 people

  40. macadrenaline says :

    Genius!

    Like

  41. amandakenco says :

    Outstanding! The best scientific study I’ve seen in a long time. Good work!

    Like

  42. unpackedwriter.com says :

    Fun… what a study the poolside humanoid male of the species can be!

    Liked by 1 person

  43. unpackedwriter.com says :

    o k I can’t count.. it was 9! 🙂

    Like

  44. draelizabethoropeza says :

    Reblogged this on draelizabethoropeza and commented:
    Very cool!

    Like

  45. LadyIndica says :

    Reblogged this on Dirty Ice Cream and commented:
    Very awesome

    Like

  46. tireponyman says :

    Tireponyman thinks you really nailed it good and with good humor. The office dad rings a bell. Good that you didn’t observe any hero dads.

    Like

    • Nostrikethat says :

      Hero dads are usually observed from a perspective of about 3 feet off the ground but tend to disappear by 5 feet in altitude.

      Liked by 1 person

  47. soulfoood says :

    Ahaha I was laughing out loud reading this. You are hilarious.

    Like

  48. flvshighschool says :

    That sure is a lot of dad types. To Funny!

    Like

  49. Charles says :

    Great Post!

    Like

  50. jazzblu2 says :

    lol, Hercules dad

    Like

  51. sunburst2014 says :

    Reblogged this on SAVE OUR PLANET and commented:
    Good reads for anxious Dads while chlorinating your children.

    Like

  52. Judy Boozer says :

    I love it and look forward to continued documentation of the multiple habits and rituals of the paternus species. Perhaps in time we will also research the maternus species in as much depth.

    Like

    • Nostrikethat says :

      Researchers have attempted to understand the Maternis species for a very long time with very little to show for it. So far the entire body of research can be summed up by “Likes chocolate. Usually.”

      Like

  53. Therese Lu says :

    I thoroughly enjoyed this post! Thanks for sharing.

    Like

  54. she follows her heart says :

    Hilarious and spot on!

    Like

  55. tessthedancer says :

    Great way to look at it!

    Like

  56. karakarnatzki says :

    I’d add LAD-DAD…the middle-aged dad who thinks he still has his early 20s cool (or at least yearns to)…may bring a guitar to the pool with him, will definitely be wearing designer sunglasses, combat shorts and a retro band t-shirt…may try to engage in conversation about Starwars…and while splashing with his children, will secretly be aching for those long-gone hedonistic poolside days during his travels round Thailand…

    Liked by 1 person

  57. brandonmfoley says :

    This definitely put me in a better mood. Loved it. Great post.

    Like

  58. staciasymone says :

    The description of the Hercules Dad: Wow! ha!

    My dad has the closest resemblance to the Slacker Dad.

    Like

  59. Alexa Jean says :

    hahaha! very enjoyable, thanks!

    Like

  60. Dori Price says :

    hilarious!

    Like

  61. Shannon says :

    Step away for a few weeks and look who gets FP’d? This was a great piece, I’m reminded coming back to read it again. I really enjoyed the added comments as well Cheers!

    Like

  62. Just Plain Ol' Vic says :

    As a Floridian, I also have witnessed another breed of Dad: Northernus Skinburntacus. They are readily visible due to the varying and often colorful hues of reds and oranges their skin becomes. I believe the color is intended on attracting mates…or possibly a warning to predators…some more research is needed.

    Like

  63. yzhui96 says :

    Reblogged this on jenileqca.

    Like

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