Archive | November 2013

Modern parenting, Part 1

[4:59:32 PM] Me: right
[4:59:41 PM] Me: I just ate kiddo's nibbled pizza
[4:59:45 PM] Her: hahahahha
[4:59:52 PM] Me: i am basically the dog at this point
[4:59:56 PM] Her: I love that you are right there ===> and we are on skype
[5:00:03 PM] Her: this is good stuff
[5:00:05 PM] Me: it's the only way we can have a conversation
[5:00:15 PM] Me: without people INTERRUPTING ME
[5:00:23 PM] Her: is that your low?
[5:00:27 PM] Me: yes.
[5:00:31 PM] Me: ūüė¶
[5:00:31 PM] Her: door slam
[5:00:33 PM] Her: door slam
[5:00:36 PM] Her: dooooooooor SLAM
[5:00:40 PM] Me: I'm right here, I heard it.
[5:00:43 PM] Me: I am ignoring it.
[5:00:46 PM] Me: I need more beer.
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Differences between cheerleading families and swimming families

Every year for the past few years our swim team has a meet that shares an athletic facility with a local cheer squad championship. The differences between the two groups could not be more terrifying¬†striking. ¬†Free-association comes easy at 7AM when you’ve had a hot dog for breakfast. Here’s the top 5 differences between swimming families and cheer families.

1. Cheerleaders smell like hairspray, swimmers smell like chlorine. Winner: Swimmers

2. Cheerleaders prefer makeup and skirts to make themselves look more attractive. Swimmers prefer tie-die, pajama pants,  and flip flops to make themselves look like soggy hippies. Winner: Cheerleaders

3. Cheerleading squads have black people are very diverse. There are all-black cheerleading squads. Swimming is embarrassingly white not ethnically diverse. I can count the number of black people at a swim meet on one hand, sometimes two. Winner: cheerleaders.

4. Most of the swim dads are wearing spandex athletic clothing and could plausibly be believed to use it. Most of the cheerleading dads are smoking outside and wearing Kentucky Fried Chicken. Winner: swimmers.

5. The stereotypical cheer mom dreams of her daughter launching a successful exotic¬†dancing¬†acting¬†career from her cheerleading experience. The stereotypical swim mom obsesses over tenths of a second and believes her 3 foot tall 8 year old just needs “a growth spurt” to replace Michael Phelps.¬†Winner: nil-nil tie.

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