Hip-Hop versus Country Western

Via user Alex' B on flickr

For reasons I can’t fully comprehend, I have been on a Country Western kick lately. I say this more than a little sheepishly, because when I was younger James Hetfield of Metallica spit beer on me at a concert and I didn’t bathe for a week.

On a related note, I just Googled James Hetfield to make sure I was spelling his name right and he’s 52.

Fifty-freaking-two. The only metal you have left in you at 52 are the rods in your hip replacement and the gold you diversified your retirement portfolio into.

So here I am, completely and unironically listening to Zac Brown Band radio on Pandora, and enjoying it. Perhaps it’s because many lyrics relate to beer, of which I generally approve. There are also a fair amount of references to doing nothing, which is also right up my alley. I also get a chuckle out of the Boss-man ruining everyone’s day, because I wear a suit to work and could generally pass as a Boss Man if you dropped me in a Honky Tonk somewhere.

The best part, though, is that while I’m humming along like a thing that hums a lot (humming pig? I don’t know it’s a stretch, work with me here) one of my many little voices is providing a running commentary.

Man these guys own a lot of trucks

I love Jesus and all, but I’m not sure He has a position on either America or Apple Pie

Why is everyone so excited to be a farmer? Farming is hard work. Horses smell bad.

On the other hand, Mrs. Nostrikethat has an affinity for Top 40, which right now seems to mostly be what passes for Hip-Hop these days + Taylor Swift and is what we listen to in the minivan, which I also drive without a shred of irony.

It’s a good thing I didn’t invent time travel when I was 18 because I would be punching myself in the balls right now.

All of this is to say that I am a little musically confused right now. Lost, if, you will, on the ol’ country road on the way to Graceland, where Fergie Ferg has taken up residence like a less talented Celine Dion in Vegas singing Sur le pont D’Avignon in her native Quebecois, except Fergie doesn’t speak French, or even really English, at least so far as “mmm” and “yeah” constitute some sort of new proto-language spoken only by deviants and graduates of the University of Phoenix, which is neither a University nor of Phoenix.

What I’m saying is, I’m a little lost here, but I noticed something. You know how rappers have certain words they have to say in order for it to count as a rap song? Country Western music has the same thing. To help myself sort it all out, I have compiled this list of Hip Hop to Country Western name checks, cliches, and otherwise knee-jerk tropes.

 

Hip Hop Cliche Country Western Trope
Up In Da Club On a Back/Dirt Road
Henny Budweiser
Benz This Ol’ Ford Truck
Lex Chevy
Rims Lift Kit
Biggie Patsy Kline
Eazy E Johnny Cash
Get Money/Hoes/Clothes God Bless the USA/Mamma/My Truck
Cuervo Whiskey
Hot Gurl Dancin’ On The Speakers Hot Gurl Dancin’ In the Headlights of My Truck
Boots with the fur Bare feet on the dashboard
Shakin’ It Shakin’ It
Rikers The County Jail
Spent my Rent Money on Friday Night Too Damn Broke, Went Fishin’ Instead
Dem girls be crazy, yo! I’m crazy (about you/in general)

I hope you find this helpful as you take the long dirt road back to the club for some barefoot booty shakin’.

Unless you go fishin’ instead.

kid-rock

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Why your middle schooler should have a cell phone

I’m on the right, he’s on the left:

convo-1

I got the low-down-dad-is-textin’-me-while-I’m-eatin’-meatloaf blues

Bah-dah-da-dah-da-dah-da-dah-da-dun-DUN-DUN.

9 Kinds of Dads at the Pool

I really enjoyed the Scary Mommy post “Types of Moms you Meet at the Pool” and I was a little disappointed that there wasn’t very much diversity in the Dad ecosystem at my favorite aquatic habitat. So I donned my trusty fedora and set off to do a little field research, and now I can safely say I’m wrong. I present the results of my findings, complete with fake Latin names because I watched a lot of Wile E. Coyote cartoons as a kid.

Road-Runner-Latin

1) Just-came-from-work Dad

Paternis inasuiticus

This Dad is typically a nocturnal species, emerging as the sun starts to set. He appears, usually at swim practice, in full office garb, instead of going home to change first like a sensible person. This appears to be a remnant of behavior from pre-Dad days, as it advertises his fitness to reproduce by showing that he has a Real Job. If the mate is already present, it is definitely a show-off move designed to allow his mate to demonstrate her success at garnering a suitable breeding partner.

2) Yelling Dad

Paternis bellowsalota

This species’s primary habitat is on the shores of chlorinated bodies of water. This species is notable for a wide range of calls it performs at maximum volume. No one is sure why the Yelling Dad does this, but some researchers theorize he is attempting to use the air from his lungs to propel his offspring across the water. Yelling Dads are usually wearing athletic clothing from some other sport, frequently football, which leads other researchers to believe that perhaps this is not a distinct species at all and just some dudes who are lost on the way to a sports bar.

3) Statistician Dad

Paternis pencilpocketus

The “Stat Dad” is frequently found perched somewhere above chlorinated bodies of water, quietly but intently observing every activity in the pool. This dad is most known for his detailed, multi-tabbed, color-coded spreadsheet showing his offspring’s relative rankings at the club, state, district, and national levels. Statistician dads favor baseball caps and actually care about baseball. Do not make the mistake of assuming that their lack of volume does not equal ferocity: many a rival has woken in the hospital recovering from mechanical pencil stab wounds and a clipboard-induced concussion.

4) Fun Dad

Paternis throwthekidicus

Paternis throwthekidicus is the only observed aquatic species of Pool Dads. Fun Dads seem to prefer repeatedly ejecting their offspring from the water in what appears to be an attempt to get their offspring to swim away and start their own family. This never seems to work, however, as the offspring continue to return, only to be thrown again and again. Paternis throwthekdicus is easily identified by the outrageously bad pair of swimming trunks that were obviously purchased by his mate in an attempt to disguise his suitability for breeding and ward off competition. Sometimes Fun Dads can be found in the more shallow bodies of chlorinated water, in which case they can be identified by nearby pink or blue-colored offspring and/or an abundance of pool toys and flotation devices.

5) Granddad Dad

Paternis granpaternis

Grandad Dad is a close relative of Fun Dad and engages in similar behaviors, just a little more slowly and with more attendant grunts of effort. Paternis granpaternis frequently displays black markings on the feet up to knee height, and may also have a large floppy hat. Late in the day, although sometimes as early as lunch time, some are observed to turn bright red in coloring, because back in his day he didn’t wear sunscreen and he turned out just fine, no matter what your grandmother might say.

6) Office Dad

Paternis gottaworkus

Office Dad appears to be a relative of Paternis inasuitacus, and some researchers believe they might be the same. Office Dads are normally only found at indoor pools on the weekends, usually with the laptop, inkjet printer, folding desk, wheelie chair, and Nespresso machine. They can also be identified by their detachment from their surroundings, conversations with imaginary friends, and shortened life expectancy. Researchers theorize this may be an evolutionary  “dead end”.

7) Slacker Dad

Paternis notthatmucha

Paternis notthatmucha’s habitat is any shady spot near the pool which enhances the visibility of his smartphone. Noted for their drab plumage such as flip flops, shorts, and a faded Dead Milkmen t-shirt. Slacker Dads are notable for the lack of accessories associated with their (probably) nearby offspring, including pool toys, sunscreen, towels, and frequently bathing suits.

8) Hercules Dad

Paternis toofiticus

Paternis toofiticus is notable for being the most muscular of the Paternis family. Attire is usually a pair of Oakley sunglasses that are welded to his cranium. Females are advised to maintain at least a 10 foot separation as spontaneous, airborne pregnancies have been documented arising from close contact with Hercules Dad. Also avoid eye contact as that may cause leg weakening and uncontrollable lip-wetting. Researchers are unable to determine how this species can maintain a state of physical near perfection and be good with his kids because he’s obviously a giant d-bag I mean just look at him.

9) Mom Dad

Paternis nurtura

Paternis nurtura is a recent discovery but researchers are startled to find these members of the Paternis family in ever-greater numbers. Unlike every other member of the genus, the Paternis nurtura bears the primary responsibility for raising the offspring. This mystifying behavior has led some to believe that this species is actually not actually of genus Paternis at all, because everyone knows boys can’t be be loving, nurturing, or responsible. Mom Dads are identified by their multitude of pouches which contain an assortment of wipes, snacks, drinks, toys, and burbons.

Further research is recommended until Labor Day, ideally with a cooler containing beverages of an uncertain nature. If you spot any new species, let me know!