Why your middle schooler should have a cell phone

I’m on the right, he’s on the left:

convo-1

I got the low-down-dad-is-textin’-me-while-I’m-eatin’-meatloaf blues

Bah-dah-da-dah-da-dah-da-dah-da-dun-DUN-DUN.

The unexpected flower (Happy Mother’s Day)

dandelion-macro

When Hannibal was a wee lad, he and I used to amble around our neighborhood on walks, sometimes with dogs in tow, other times by ourselves. I don’t think he really knew why we were walking, but Daddy said we were and that was good enough for him.

The kids all go through phases where they prefer one parent over another, and we were smack dab in the middle of “Daddy’s the best!” phase. My wife was a new mother and I don’t think she appreciated the unsurpassed adulation I received whenever I came home from work. On top of being a new parent at the time, it was a rough time of transition.

One day, as we were making our rounds at our usual snail’s pace, the boy stopped, picked a dandelion, and carried it all the way home where he proudly presented it to Mrs. Nostrikethat.

Here Mommy, I picked this for you because I thought you’d like it.

She melted.

It was the first of many such gifts. Sometimes a pretty fall leaf, othertimes an interesting rock or stick, but the go-to mommy present usually was a dandelion.

As we had more kids each of them would take it upon themselves to stop and pick a dandelion for mommy, for no other reason than somewhere in their tiny little minds they remembered the existence of their all-encompassing universe and decided that she needed a flower.

***

I have a neighbor and good friend who wages a ceaseless war against dandelions. Not a weekend goes by when he is not out there, shovel in one hand, bucket in the other, extracting dandelions down to the roots. His lawn is a lush green expanse worthy of an English Estate, which in the suburbs counts for a lot of street cred.

Turn 180 degrees to face my lawn and it looks like a herd of bison power-horked Cheezits indiscriminately– piles and clusters of yellow all over.

I think the categorization of dandelions as weeds is unfortunate. I prefer to call them “accidental flowers.”

Dandelions are common, true, but they have a lot going for them. There’s the color, for one- sunny and bright. Even when they go all gray they’re still fascinating and beautiful, and judging by the number of kids who blow on them they’re more fun, too. Dandelions don’t need a lot to get by- I’ve seen them growing up out of the middle of a sidewalk. Dandelions are also extremely resilient- it seems like no matter how often you run one over with a lawn mower, before you know it–ding! It pops right back. If dandelions aren’t the official flower of motherhood, I can’t think of a better candidate.

With laser-like precision your average 3 year old is focused on what’s bothering them right now. The end result is that the mechanics of attention almost never work out in anyone’s favor except the child’s, which makes it all the more remarkable when the attention does break away long enough to see something, even if it’s just a common, ordinary flower, and think of anyone other than themself.

This weekend pick the mom in your life some dandelions.

I even have a few extra.


This post is dedicated to my mom, my wife, and moms everywhere this Mother’s Day. I love you mom, I’ll probably even remember to call this time.

The House Daddy

housedaddy
The House Daddy (Paternis Plantsversuszombicus) is a slow moving species, particularly in the morning. This specimen was captured and tagged by researchers with a hair band while sunning himself in the morning on a recliner with a cup of coffee. Note the fuzzy bathrobe which is used when caring for his offspring by holding random crap in the pockets, marsupial fashion, like used tissues or baggies of Cheez-its.

I wonder sometimes about what kind of damage I’m doing to my kids. It’s easy as a parent, and particularly a dad, to focus on all of the things I don’t do. What bad habits of mine are they inheriting from me?

Is my daughter doomed to a life of being constantly 15-45 minutes late for everything?

Is my oldest going to grow up to be an insufferable know-it-all?

Is Faceman going to pass gas not because it’s necessary, but because it’s hysterical?

The best moments for me have been when I’ve discovered I have influenced them somehow, but in a way I never expected.

***

My youngest is 4 years old right now. For the past 4 years, or his entire life, I have been a remote employee at a series of companies. I would leave occasionally for meetings or to see clients, but for four years I didn’t work for a company with an office in my part of the world, so I was a virtual employee.

There are a lot of perks with this lifestyle:

  • I could go a month sometimes without gassing up the car
  • Email in your pajamas still counts as work
  • It’s a lot easier to get a solid 8 hours of sleep when you don’t have to waste 2 hours of your workday sitting in traffic

On the other hand, there are serious drawbacks:

  • Some mornings you get started working early and before you know it, it’s 3 o’clock and you haven’t showered, groomed, or eaten
  • Social isolation is real and crippling… you don’t miss your infantile co-workers until they have been replaced by actual infants.
  • You hear “WIPE MY BUTT” in the workday far more often than you ever thought possible.

Recently, I got what Mrs. Nostrikethat charitably refers to as “A Real Job” for a big company that involves me getting out of bed at approximately the same time every day and, on most days, going someplace that is not my house. We have all mostly adapted, but from the 4 year old’s perspective THE WORLD HAS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN.

I have already remarked on the Absence of Mom. It’s pretty clear to me that Mom only gets noticed when she’s trying to do something fairly harmless, like poop by herself. I didn’t really count on the Absence of Dad though, even though my wife swears that’s all the kids talk about whenever I leave is when will I return.

Truthfully, my 4 year old was probably more in tune with the disruption in my life than I was. I found this out one day when I got home from work and Mrs. Nostrikethat suggested I engage the youngest in a conversation about what he wanted to be when he grows up:

Daddy. When I grow up, I want to be a House Daddy.

That sounds pretty good. What does a House Daddy do?

He stays at home and works and plays Plants vs. Zombies.

…That sounds awesome.

The little glimpse into the unfiltered, surprisingly perceptive mind of a child was both funny and a little bittersweet. I may not be a true House Daddy any more, but I can still squeeze in a few rounds of Plants vs. Zombies before bedtime.

Maybe Santa will bring someone a new bathrobe for Christmas…