Guest post: Halloween shopping is AWESOME

Not to be outdone by her big brother, my lovely daughter has decided to join the blogging universe. All exclamation marks used in this post are organic, free-range, and humanely harvested. Enjoy!

A couple days ago I went to the local costume shop to find a costume. My friend was going to meet me outside the store but my younger brother decided he wanted to be a Storm Trooper from Star Wars and we had to look at the costume now. (Brothers, am I right?) So we asked the very obviously bored store-guy to bring the costume to us.

Just as he brought it my brother decided he didn’t want to be a Storm Trooper because the costume didn’t come with a light saber. Just then my friend came up, and one thing you should know about this friend is she takes her shopping seriously!

So she was trying to decide two costumes to try on, and decided to help me find mine. I came in looking to be something candy-like. We didn’t find any super cute ones, but we found 6 other ones! So I spent half an hour trying them on then, decided I didn’t want any of them. I wanted a completely different one, a Mad Hatter costume.

The first one I tried on the zipper was busted.  Then I finally found one with a working zipper. Naturally, once I put it on I had to find a matching wig!  The first pink one was a COMPLETELY different shade of pink. The second one was red. Finally, I found a color I liked, RAINBOW!

Then, I realized I wanted a boa, so I tried on 16 boas, a blue one, a purple one, orange, green, red, pink, rainbow, yellow, maroon, indigo, neon green, neon pink, glow in the dark, magenta, periwinkle, and black. It turns out the whole time my brother was whining and complaining about how he wasn’t feeling well. Whoops. After I tried on all 16 boas I decided none of them matched well enough with my outfit, but I bought one anyway!

In my head I thought that I would put it on my dog, this is what I figured he would look like:


Then I realized two things. First, he is not a Chihuahua, and second, he is FAT  slightly chubby.

But this is the first costume I tried on:


: I loved it… until, I remembered I wore it 2 years ago. That would be so embarrassing to be seen in a costume from TWO YEARS ago! Finally, the last costume I tried on:


It was perfect! Then I remembered the fact that my little brother was not feeling good. Again, whoops. All though, thankfully it turned out he was just hungry. I was very glad, because I did not want him vomiting all over my new costume. Then we bought MEGA M&Ms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YUM!


Keep celebrating Halloween! Remember, FREE CANDY I mean, ummm… oh, fun and dressing up! Thanks for reading my post, and I hope you enjoyed a look into a 5th grader’s mind around Halloween!

Alas, poor Halloween! I knew him, Horatio

It all started with an idea.

Hey, maybe we shouldn’t eat as much junk food.

What a great idea!

What do we eat?

I hear broccoli is pretty awesome.

Rock on! Broccoli rules!

Then the idea, as they say, “got legs”:

Look at all these fat bastards. I bet they eat too much junk food.

Yeah, look at ’em.

Good thing we eat our broccoli.

Damn right.

Then the next thing you know, the idea gets elected to the school board.

This leads to this wonderful bit of policy:


Before you know it, this ends up on my refrigerator:

The chocolate chip eyes are going to be replaced with raisins, by the way, because HELL YEAH RAISINS. I applaud the room mom for making the best of a bad situation. I would sooner dangle my itty bitty man bits into a cage full of hungry Pomeranians than volunteer to plan a candy-less Halloween party.


This leads to the conversation every parent dreads:

Daddy, why is the public school system so dumb?

*heavy sigh* Well son, because the school system is made up of adults, WHO– as you frequently remind me– are stupid. They sit around in a room and someone says, “Hey I have an idea…” This is the result.

But it’s so lame!

Let this be a lesson to you: the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

The thing is

I’m not really into Halloween. Or Christmas. Or birthdays. Really, not much on holidays.

I love me some oatmeal, though.

I am a well-known fun-sucker and a freaking General in the Food Police Department. I have thrown out an uneaten tub of ice cream rather than deal with the whining for dessert. If anyone should be lining up to kiss the Blessed Ring of Wisdom for banning candy from a HALLOWEEN PARTY it should be me.

But I can’t.

Even Cookie Monster, FREAKING COOKIE MONSTER, says cookies are a “sometimes food”.

Look at that fat puppet bastard.

Yeah, what a slob.

I bet he’s going to get Diabetes with all of those cookies he eats.

Serves him right, I– oh be right back, this broccoli is moving right through me.

At least he gets “sometimes”, though.

It’s time

Just cancel the celebration of Halloween.

Please, just put it out of it’s misery.

It’s one of those things like the old timey bicycles, or a flip phone, that has become a relic of a quaint bygone era. A simpler time when children made their own costumes out of dad’s varsity jacket and mom’s old hippy clothes.

Nothing terrified people of a certain generation more than hippies.

I’m keeping my kids out of school on Halloween.

Well, actually we’re going to go to the parade and watch.

With a giant bag of M&Ms each.

Because nothing terrifies people of a certain generation more than candy.

Happy Halloween.