I’m on the right, he’s on the left:
I got the low-down-dad-is-textin’-me-while-I’m-eatin’-meatloaf blues
Bah-dah-da-dah-da-dah-da-dah-da-dun-DUN-DUN.
Category: parenting
The unexpected flower (Happy Mother’s Day)
When Hannibal was a wee lad, he and I used to amble around our neighborhood on walks, sometimes with dogs in tow, other times by ourselves. I don’t think he really knew why we were walking, but Daddy said we were and that was good enough for him.
The kids all go through phases where they prefer one parent over another, and we were smack dab in the middle of “Daddy’s the best!” phase. My wife was a new mother and I don’t think she appreciated the unsurpassed adulation I received whenever I came home from work. On top of being a new parent at the time, it was a rough time of transition.
One day, as we were making our rounds at our usual snail’s pace, the boy stopped, picked a dandelion, and carried it all the way home where he proudly presented it to Mrs. Nostrikethat.
Here Mommy, I picked this for you because I thought you’d like it.
She melted.
It was the first of many such gifts. Sometimes a pretty fall leaf, othertimes an interesting rock or stick, but the go-to mommy present usually was a dandelion.
As we had more kids each of them would take it upon themselves to stop and pick a dandelion for mommy, for no other reason than somewhere in their tiny little minds they remembered the existence of their all-encompassing universe and decided that she needed a flower.
***
I have a neighbor and good friend who wages a ceaseless war against dandelions. Not a weekend goes by when he is not out there, shovel in one hand, bucket in the other, extracting dandelions down to the roots. His lawn is a lush green expanse worthy of an English Estate, which in the suburbs counts for a lot of street cred.
Turn 180 degrees to face my lawn and it looks like a herd of bison power-horked Cheezits indiscriminately– piles and clusters of yellow all over.
I think the categorization of dandelions as weeds is unfortunate. I prefer to call them “accidental flowers.”
Dandelions are common, true, but they have a lot going for them. There’s the color, for one- sunny and bright. Even when they go all gray they’re still fascinating and beautiful, and judging by the number of kids who blow on them they’re more fun, too. Dandelions don’t need a lot to get by- I’ve seen them growing up out of the middle of a sidewalk. Dandelions are also extremely resilient- it seems like no matter how often you run one over with a lawn mower, before you know it–ding! It pops right back. If dandelions aren’t the official flower of motherhood, I can’t think of a better candidate.
With laser-like precision your average 3 year old is focused on what’s bothering them right now. The end result is that the mechanics of attention almost never work out in anyone’s favor except the child’s, which makes it all the more remarkable when the attention does break away long enough to see something, even if it’s just a common, ordinary flower, and think of anyone other than themself.
This weekend pick the mom in your life some dandelions.
I even have a few extra.
This post is dedicated to my mom, my wife, and moms everywhere this Mother’s Day. I love you mom, I’ll probably even remember to call this time.
Lean In, Lean Out, or Fall Over?
One of the most awesome things about being a white male is that I can write about minority issues or women’s issues with complete confidence, because I’m a white male and therefore automatically knowledgeable about such things. I’ve been told this is the very definition of entitlement, which is what I’ve been saying all along… I am entitled to write about the issues and experiences of other people in a knowing if slightly condescending way.
So… chick stuff.
In case you live under a rock, Lean In is the best-selling book by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, who is the kind of woman that other women line up to hate on.
It’s easy to see why.
If Sheryl underwent gender re-assignment surgery and became Shane Sandberg, he would be an alpha male. Ambitious, driven, professionally successful, great home life… men would be lining up to learn how he did it. Except he is a she, and when you say “she is ambitious and driven” it sounds like you’re describing Sharon Stone’s character in Basic Instinct.
The point from Lean In as I understand it is that right when women should be reaching the prime of their career, they chose to step back. The reasons for this are varied but tend to center around expectations, both of themselves and what women feel others expect of them.
I have been in an interesting place these past few months because I’ve gone from being under-employed to un-employed to now insanely busy. Mrs. Nostrikethat has felt the impact as she has picked up all of the slack. Everything from 100% car pool duties to remembering to drag the trash cans out Thursday night. I have been able to lean-in precisely because I have a dedicated home team propping me up.
So how does it work in reverse?
Let me ask the question another way: if someone leans in, doesn’t someone else have to lean out?
I remember one incident from my recent past. I was with the client trying desperately to finish up a major project by the deadline. At the same time, I had made a commitment to Mrs. Nostrikethat to be home by 5:30 at the absolute latest so she could make it to her class. As the day dragged on, it became increasingly apparent that we weren’t going to get done in time to allow me to make it home. I was confronted with a choice: do I tell a new client while I am still in “trial mode” that “I’m sorry, I know we’re almost done, but I have to stop working right now and go home?” or do I bounce a check to the Bank of Wife and hope for the best?
I opted for the latter.
It wasn’t pretty.
I was late, she was late, everyone was grumpy. But the key point in this story is that I had the luxury to make that choice precisely because my partner leaned out and was already home with the kids. If I was a single parent I wouldn’t have that choice– daycares aren’t very forgiving when it comes to leaving your kids there all night. By necessity, I would have to lean out and “mommytrack” myself- take a less demanding, less visible job that had stable hours and less variability to the work.
Now let’s say that at some point in the future Mrs. Nostrikethat decides to relaunch her career. There is still roughly the same amount of work to be done. Milk must be bought, kids must be picked up from school when they’re sick, laundry must be laundered. She can’t lean out when she’s just starting to lean in again, so I have to be the one to pick up the to-do list for the family unit. No amount of time management skills will help in dealing with the variability that is children.
Until we as a culture collectively decide that long hours are not the currency of professional success nothing is really going to change for women, because the men in their lives won’t have the option to pick up the slack.
What do you think?
No, Strike That 