Remember the good old days? The days before social media made everyone a life expert and a craft genius? Like the wonderful lazy days before Pinterest ruined our lives? People weren’t making spooky fingers out of carrots and hummus. They weren’t making pumpkins out of f*cking clementines and celery sticks. And they sure as shit weren’t crafting “boo-riffic” goddamned bananas! And that skeleton you crafted out of veggies? Don’t make me tell you where you can shove that.
Here at Nostrikethat Industries, we are focused on solutions, not problems. Also, wine in a box. We focus on that a lot.
The cheaper, the better.
Because this is the Internet, I get to be an expert despite the lack of any formal training, aptitude, or even real intelligence.
By the way kids, that was lesson 1.
Here are my recommendations for the teens of today.
Go sell something for a living
Cures: anxiety. Also treats (but does not cure) “I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up” syndrome.
One time I bought vinyl siding for my house because I really liked the door to door sales guy that showed up and I was afraid to say no. He even had that little kit where he poured the water through the vinyl beads and everything! I’m not sure I remember what that was supposed to prove, but it was impressive at the time. It turned out we could neither afford vinyl siding, nor did we really need it so through a little loophole called “both homeowners needed to sign the contract” we escaped sans siding.
Years later, I somewhat accidentally found myself in technology sales. I learned a lot, mostly about how hard it is to sell things for a living. I also learned how to take rejection and get on with my life. I’m no longer in sales, but I am no longer afraid of sales people, either.
First prize is a Cadillac el Dorado, second prize is a set of steak knives, third prize is you’re fired.
Hang out with little kids
Cures: ennui, existential crises, lack of motivation
For reasons unknown, one year when I was maybe 13 I signed up to be a camp counselor at vacation bible school. I have a younger brother so I thought I was prepared for dealing with little kids, but being around a bunch of 6 year olds making macaroni art and making animal noises during the Noah’s Ark song was awesome. Except for snack time: when they want their juice and crackers, they want it now.
Little kids have a refreshingly simple outlook on life. Most of it occurs over their head, so unless there are cookies up there it’s not worth worrying about. As long as there are legs to hug, grass to roll in, and friends to chase everything is pretty amazing. And little kids are so excited to do things! Maybe it’s only for five minutes, but man what a five minutes!
Create something awful
Cures: Apathy
We live in an time where, thanks to technology, the barrier to entry for so many things is so very low. Don’t wait to go to film school, start shooting movies now with your cell phone. Don’t go to college and study theater, just make machinima with Minecraft. Teach yourself to code. Write horrible blog posts.
You don’t have to go to college. There are no gate-keepers holding you back. Go. Create. Express yourself. Of course it will be bad.
That’s the point.
You don’t get to good until you go through a lot of bad.
And get off my lawn
One of the best comments in the Reddit thread was “Teenagers’ problems are just adult problems without perspective.” I get it, kids are kids, and the point of being a teenager is to have these kinds of problems. I still wonder how many of our children are this way because we made it so.
We wanted our children to be “team players” and “achievers”, so we made them play half a dozen sports so they could achieve trophies and medals, but now they don’t know have to have unscheduled fun.
We’ve taken away or neutered rites of passage except going to college, and so many our children are obsessed with this one at a time where the average cost of a college education at an in-state public university is almost $20,000 for residents, despite the overwhelming evidence that the world needs welders and mechanics.
We’ve made it so our children cannot leave our sight without us, and we have given them cell phones so that when they do we’re never more than two swipes away. Somehow, we’re surprised when they’re so comfortable around us that they move back in and never leave.
As parents, we are conditioned to sign our kids up for classes: art classes and music classes and SAT prep classes ad nauseum because if there’s something you want to do, there’s a class you should take first.
Unless that something is “live your life”, because there’s no prep class for that.
Have any more recommendations for the teens of today? Leave a comment!
Look at all these fat bastards. I bet they eat too much junk food.
Yeah, look at ’em.
Good thing we eat our broccoli.
Damn right.
Then the next thing you know, the idea gets elected to the school board.
This leads to this wonderful bit of policy:
Before you know it, this ends up on my refrigerator:
The chocolate chip eyes are going to be replaced with raisins, by the way, because HELL YEAH RAISINS. I applaud the room mom for making the best of a bad situation. I would sooner dangle my itty bitty man bits into a cage full of hungry Pomeranians than volunteer to plan a candy-less Halloween party.
This leads to the conversation every parent dreads:
Daddy, why is the public school system so dumb?
*heavy sigh* Well son, because the school system is made up of adults, WHO– as you frequently remind me– are stupid. They sit around in a room and someone says, “Hey I have an idea…” This is the result.
But it’s so lame!
Let this be a lesson to you: the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
The thing is
I’m not really into Halloween. Or Christmas. Or birthdays. Really, not much on holidays.
Even Cookie Monster, FREAKING COOKIE MONSTER, says cookies are a “sometimes food”.
Look at that fat puppet bastard.
Yeah, what a slob.
I bet he’s going to get Diabetes with all of those cookies he eats.
Serves him right, I– oh be right back, this broccoli is moving right through me.
At least he gets “sometimes”, though.
It’s time
Just cancel the celebration of Halloween.
Please, just put it out of it’s misery.
It’s one of those things like the old timey bicycles, or a flip phone, that has become a relic of a quaint bygone era. A simpler time when children made their own costumes out of dad’s varsity jacket and mom’s old hippy clothes.
Nothing terrified people of a certain generation more than hippies.
I’m keeping my kids out of school on Halloween.
Well, actually we’re going to go to the parade and watch.
With a giant bag of M&Ms each.
Because nothing terrifies people of a certain generation more than candy.
No, Strike That 