In the history of cons, the baby product market is the greatest 67 Billion dollar con in the world. Any first-time parent with a household income above the “Pork and Beans” level is data-mined and then bombarded with inducements to buy the most amazingly worthless shit in your choice of either pastel or primary colors.

Exhibit A: Baby Bath Hats.

A quick Google search reveals that this is, in fact, a real thing and not just one demented person’s “invention”.

There are multiple manufacturers of baby bath hats.

I will let this sink in a minute.

(I’ll be over here humming “God Bless America”, let me know when you’re done.)

I’m not even going to get into the whole “Starving Kids in Africa would like to eat your baby or their bath hat” thing.

In fact, there is just so much baby stuff out there, how are you supposed to know what you should buy for your exercise in chromosonal vanity what you absolutely need? Or, even better, how do you know what that family member who waited to have their first child and laughed at you while you raised yours will need? WHAT WILL BE THE PERFECT GIFT? I may also be nursing a grudge.

Fear not! I have successfully reproduced four times, and have representative children of each gender.

You Can Trust Me, I Have A Blog.

1. Anything that plays music

Via The Bump Blog

The first time I saw this, I clicked past it because it looks like ordinary primary color plastic drek. As the next page was loading, my eye caught on “Hey Ya”. Because Ludacris has not done enough harm to this world, now he has to molest the ears of newborns. As a new parent, you can’t go wrong with anything that makes music, because it helps muffle your quiet sobbing.

2. A Clock

Again, Via The Bump Blog. I can totally do this blogging thing.

Make sure your little superstar learns it’s never too early to be early, early.

If there’s one thing children immediately understand and value, it’s time. Snigger. For example, when you’re trying to leave the house, your toddler appreciates the time necessarily to take off the shoes you put on him because HE didn’t put them on ALL BY HIMSELF. Or that 4:30 AM is an inhuman time to be awake unless your name is preceded by “Sargent”. Kids totally get that. So get a clock to help them out.

 

3. A Shopping Cart Cover

via thisisnext.com

If you ever see a woman with a child in one of these in a grocery store, I can tell you that it is safe to assume she’s horrible in bed (unless your idea of a good time is lots of Lysol and Latex).

You will never, ever see a man use this, unless his wife is standing right next to him. This has nothing to do with manliess and everything to do with evolution.

Going all the way back to our hunter-gather days, men filter out both colors and small things, because they’re not saber-tooth tigers. Sending your husband to the grocery store with a child and one of these fluffy things is a great way to make sure you end up  less children, and less sabertooth tigers, than you started with.

4. An espresso kitchen

Via yoyo.com

It is horribly unfair that her kitchen is both larger and nicer than mine (although her backsplash is from the Home Depot in-stock section and not special order or anything). Not that I’ve looked.

Also, I don’t see an espresso maker.

For reasons I cannot fathom, mommies all over still feel compelled to buy their little girls kitchen sets. Yes boys play with them too, but I double dog dare you to find me a mom who bought a mini kitchen for her firstborn son.

I think it’s safe to say that having a high-end replica kitchen says something about the family, and the mother, that purchases it. Such as, she’s never turned on her stove either.

5. Anything that says sensory

Via Teachersupply.com

After four kids I have a great appreciation for baby-crap marketing speaking. It’s like Fine Art:

• It evokes emotions in the audience (O cruel Fate, how I long for a Baby Bath Hat!)
• The more money you have burning a hole in your pocket, the more of it you will collect

In this rarified atmosphere, the phrase “stimulates baby sensory development” is an Andy Wharhol-inspired pop commentary on the magnificent banality of parenting.

Look at my baby, drinking in colors and music like some sort of hippie cyborg baby Jesus on acid… and … what’s this? It seems to be a  miniature version of The Last Supper in his post 3rd nap diaper. Must be all of the stimulated sensory development! I am an amazing parent! When do I sign him up for Mandarin lessons?

In reality, the phrase “stimulates baby sensory development” means “This is a real thing, and not an imaginary thing.” If it exists, the baby will probably try to put some part of it in his little toothless mouth, thereby stimulating their sensory development.

Les Miserables

There is an astounding lack of common sense in this world today, and I am pretty sure the folks who possess it are (quite wisely) hoarding it from the rest of us. I do not know any of you well enough to confess to some of the inanery I have bought in my sleep-deprived new Dad coma– but I did tell my priest and that was a lot of Hail Mary’s thank you Jesus. Of all of the horrible things about being a new parent, this is the silver lining: everywhere you look, there are parents who have clearly screwed up far worse than you could ever imagine, so what’s the worst that could happen from putting little baby Miley into a shopping cart cover anyway?

On second thought…