If there’s one thing, ONE THING, that makes me foam at the mouth, it’s when people insist that “X” makes you fat, when “X” is anything other than “consume more calories than you expend”.

Video games make us fat.

TV makes us fat.

Working on a computer all day makes us fat.

These days the F-word seems to apply to anyone who doesn’t have a thigh gap.

F-word them.

Skinny Lazy Nerds

Being lazy does not make you fat. The world is full of skinny, lazy people. I am one of them. I was 80 pounds soaking wet through most of high school.

I was also a band nerd with helmet hair.

Obesity seems to be the only disease where it’s still socially acceptable to blame the ill.

We are only beginning to understand the real complexity of the triggers for this disease. Why are there some people who only have to look at ice cream to gain weight? Once you are obese, it’s very, very hard to lose weight– it seems like you are literally fighting a constant battle against your body’s survival mechanisms.

So why are we getting worse?

If there’s one thing we can trust humanity to do, it’s figure out how to make a buck from the suffering of others.

Zach and Miri Make a Smoothie

The American diet industry goes back to at least the 1950s when the first weight loss drink appeared on the market. Prior to that point, food science had not matured to the point where we were able to manipulate our food at the chemical level (beyond burning the meatloaf), so weight loss fads focused on concealing rubber garments.

My favorite obesity conspiracy theory is that used to be cheap corn creates high fructose corn syrup, which gets added to everything and makes us fat. It turns out that this may not be the entire problem.

It’s not just corn that’s cheap: wheat and soy are both commodity crops that are frequently over-produced and/or receive subsidies. Removing those subsidies won’t have a substantial effect because the prices will still stay low, because economics.

In other words, it’s not the farmers who stand to gain from over production, but the processed food industry. As long as the wheat in our Wheat Thins is stupid cheap to for Nabisco to buy, there is plenty of budget left for clever marketing!

We’re damned from the moment we open our eyes, because we interact so heavily with media during the course of the day that our brains are saturated with the tantalizing deliciousness of Cool Ranch Doritos from birth to age 99. By the time we set foot in the grocery store, we’re already well-programmed to self-destruct.

Kale is the new black

The experts will tell you “Oh just shop the outside of the store.” These experts have never gone grocery shopping a DAY IN THEIR LIVES.

I think the stores are getting wise to this strategy because I haven’t been into a grocery store yet where the bakery was in the middle bit.

Regardless, as soon as I walk in, my cart is making a beeline through the asparagus and to the cakes.

BEE-BOOP ROBOT DAD NEEDS CAKE

Also, juice boxes are not near the organic kale, and you can bet which one the kids will give me grief over when they find it in their lunch boxes.

In fact, kids are probably the real leading cause of obesity in this country.

More times than I can count I have eaten leftover chicken nuggets because the child was done and I can’t waste good Chik-fil-a.

It’s only recently, as a direct result of a few of my children somehow surviving long enough despite my constant efforts to screw them up, that I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. I can say from personal experience it gets better.

Slowly, ever so slowly, they start to appreciate real food.

In our house Mrs. Nostrikethat and I agree that the best thing we can do for our kids to help make them successful is to make sure they’ve got a good mix of fat, fiber, carbs, and veggies on their plates so they can wander off in the middle of dinner to go play.

As I have written before, feeding kids (and especially toddlers) is an exercise in the absurd. They never like what you make, and it seems like you just get the kitchen cleaned up when they’ve digested the tiny amount of food they just ate and are back for more. I’m no internet expert here, either.

The kid wants peanut butter and jelly for dinner again? Fine.

The 6 year old is having food sensory issues again today? Fine, eat Cheerios.

I’m even using JIF, because I’m a choosy mom. Dad. Whatever.

BEE-BOOP ROBOT DAD BUYS WHAT HE IS PROGRAMMED TO BUY

Taking a stand (while sitting)

Let’s review the forces in play. In this corner, we have:

• The multi-billion dollar processed food industry and their advertising
• The grocery stores where I buy my food to live
• My own body which, as I type this, is salivating over the prospect of potato chips

Versus

• Two weak-willed adults trying to make the best food shopping choices for their kids while acknowledging it’s nearly impossible to feed a three year old broccoli without committing horrific violence on someone
• Kale

My response?

Parents, give it your best shot.

Take your kids to the playground when you can.

Try to put something green on the plate when you can.

Maybe ease up on the soda and drink a little more water yourself.

There are countless ways we can be bad at being parents, and no expert is going to tell you to just muddle through because that doesn’t sell a lot of books.

Worst case scenario, your kid grows up and writes stories with funny pictures in them on the Internet.

If I have to be outraged by something, I’m outraged by the fact that in the United States today there are more than 16 million children living in poverty.

I am outraged that there are 50,000 kids in our nation’s capital that may not eat on snow days.

How much iPad someone else’s kid plays? Not so much. Those stakes aren’t very high.

Mmmm… steak.

BEE BOOP ROBOT DAD WANTS OUTBACK FOR DINNER

Dangit.