4 actually useful things to buy a new dad

Following up on the heels of my barely read moderately amusing post 5 New Parent Quote Gifts Unquote I thought I’d try my hand at doing something useful for once already like maybe take out the trash do I have to do everything around here? . So today I am going to focus on the actual most important person in any new baby situation, and that’s the new dad.

My facebook status from the day my most recent child was born. It was a trying day, but I made it through.
My facebook status from the day my most recent child was born. It was a trying day, but I made it through.

Dads, this is going to be tough. Fortunately, if there’s one thing we have experience with at Nostrikethat industries, it’s accidental reproduction how to survive the Shock and Awe from new parenthood.

Remember men, it’s not retail therapy if you’re doing it to Be Prepared.

1. Sound-Isolating Headphones

problem it solves: baby won’t stop crying

Nothing quite says “put a bullet in my brain” like your baby who won’t stop crying. Image via swistle.blogspot.com

There is going to be a time when you will be confronted with a very small human who will not stop crying.

They sound like small angry goats.

“B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-AAAAAAABB-B-B-B-B-B-B-B”

You change them, you feed them, you have wiggled their legs to get them to fart, and they’re still screaming. If you were thinking logically at this point, you would determine these are your options:

  • Keep trying unsuccessfully to calm the child, and continue to accrue cortisol, the stress hormone.
  • Put the child down in a safe place, like a closet crib, back away, shut the door, and listen to the screaming from somewhere else in your house
  • Exit your house

Might I suggest an alternative? A good pair of in-ear headphones will allow you listen to the soothing melodies of Bob Marley while holding your screaming bundle of joy, allowing you to ensure they don’t choke on their own hat while at the same time not going completely insane. This is a great opportunity for you to get some hero points and give your post-partum beloved a much needed mommy break.

Also works well on any car trip longer than 30 minutes, because we’re not allowed to unstrap children and hold them any more in the car.

Thanks, Obama.

2. Baby Backpack

problem it solves: Strollers are horrible

Take it from Legolas, you can’t mow down orcs while pushing a stroller

Women are deeply attached to their strollers. I think because, like minivans, they are an extension of their birth canals.

Now, I have nothing against the idea of strollers, I’m just saying they’re incompatible with important things, like fending off a Ninja attack. A good backpack has far more mobility, and as an added bonus will work your core muscles like nobody’s business.

I tried to find a good picture of a twin baby backpack, and this was what showed up. Best of luck, man!

3. Scottevest alpha jacket

Problem it solves: Diaper bags

“I’ve been strappin’ gatts / since you were cuddlin’ a cabbage patch” Now, unlike Dre, you don’t have to choose!

A diaper bag is really just another purse. And like your wife’s existing purse, you will never be able to find anything in it.

Unless you’re willing to feign incompetence and drop your baby on their head act utterly helpless, you are probably going to have to change diapers. Have your own kit, stuff it into the 35 different pockets in this bad boy, and enjoy hands free baby stuff toting. As an added bonus, the jacket is designed with concealed carry features, which I don’t really understand but sounds badass.

4. Roku media player

Problem it solves: you have no kids TV shows

Seriously, Greatest. Thing. Ever.

Technology is changing so fast, in the 10 years since I have started having kids I’ve gone from primarily VHS, to DVD, to ripped movies, to cloud everything. Whatever you do, you want to avoid having the kids handle anything resembling physical media, because your DVDs will last about 5 seconds before they get scratched. The only thing more infuriating than buying a Barney DVD is buying the SAME DAMN DVD again because it’s a favorite and it has been rendered inoperable. Cloud is where it’s at, and the Roku set top box is the best.

Now, we stream Netflix and it’s the kid’s only source for TV, which I am fine with because they don’t have to watch commercials.  This isn’t a post about cord-cutting, but it’s totally viable with the Roku and maybe an over the air HD antenna for The Sports.

We had an Apple TV first, but the Roku really changed our life for two reasons:

1) It automatically plays the next episode in a season. A lot of the programs for the wee ones are 6-10 minutes long, and sometimes you just want to plunk the kid down in front of the tube and take a shower without being interrupted to put on the next show.

2) The Roku3 has a headphone port on the remote. Big deal, right? ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY. Unless you have a giant house, you will probably be somewhere in earshot of the TV, and without fail your child will fall in love with the most annoying TV show in the history of TV shows.

Especially this guy. WHINE MOAR YOU LITTLE TURD

Teaching your toddler to wear an inexpensive set of headphones will save your sanity. Before they’re toddlers, you can just kind of prop them up in front of some kind of Baby Einstein program which is essentially an acid trip committed to video and go have a quiet solitary poop all by yourself. Then when your wife gets back from her much needed “Not wearing spit” time you can be all like “Oh yeah honey no sweat, just me and the kid, dropping some NYC, having a great time” and she will be so relieved to not be wearing baby spit she will totally overlook the obvious drug references.

Just remember Dads, we are unique and special snowflakes, and sometimes to keep from melting we have to take extraordinary measures.  Like Vegas. Vegas is excellent for snowflakes.

Shout out to my brother in law, who is having twin girls Real Soon Now.

Ahem. 

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I’ll see you in HELL, sir.

The absence of Mom

There are a lot of things I love about having four kids- how different each one is, how they all have special relationships with their siblings, and how I have greatly improved my odds of getting grandkids.

I am majorly looking forward to hiking my shorts up to my armpits to show off my black socks.

One of the few things I don’t love is that

Someone.

Is.

Always.

Sick.

It wasn't a very good hat, anyway.
It wasn’t a very good hat, anyway.

There is an urgent care facility near us where I am on a first name basis with all of the receptionists. One of the exam rooms has a sign on it that says “Reserved for the Nostrikethat family.” 

I was recently travelling for work (thus some of my recent  travel-related  posts) and during the trips I am getting subsequently more and more urgent text messages from Mrs. Nostrikethat:

Your oldest son threw up on the carpet.

Your daughter has a stomach ache.

The baby has a temperature of 103.5, if it goes up another half a degree I am going to the ER.

I am starting to get sick.

I hate you so much right now.

Baby has flu and pneumonia. Round the clock nebulizer treatments. Shoot me now.

One $300 change fee later, and I’m heading home early.

IMG_0300
It wasn’t a very good trip, anyway.

I managed to make it back in time to watch my wife completely give in and crawl back into bed and die for a few days. Fortunately for the invalids, of the two of us I have the better bedside manner.

By far.

***Story Time***

A few years ago, I managed to throw my back out for no good reason and ended up lying on the floor the better part of one Saturday. I had just managed to pull myself up to the couch when my lovely and charming wife enters the room carrying fast food.

Her: I got you some FRENCH FRIES. Throws french fries at my prone, broken body. Stomps off angrily.

We laugh about it now. Sympathy for the Sick is officially my job in the relationship, though.

So I got to be Mr. Mom all weekend, and just when I thought everything was going to be all right my oldest son gets my wife’s flu and my daughter gets the stomach bug. I work from home most days, so when the kids don’t go to school my productivity takes a hit. I ended up burning some vacation days this week to take care of everyone because I haven’t yet succumbed to whatever plague(s) is/are consuming my family.

Somewhere around the eleventh time I picked up after the children, I got just a glimpse of why Motherhood is such a literally thankless job. Mothers are omnipresent. Mothers are the air our children breathe, the food they eat, the juice boxes they suck until they collapse. No one notices Mom, because remarking on Mom is like getting up and noticing you are still alive. I mean, you clearly notice it on some level, but no one devotes a lot of time to thinking about the proper functioning of their own endocrine system, do they? No one notices Mom, because Mom is the entire world.

The absence of Mom? That gets noticed.

One of the many reasons we don't have a hot tub.
One of the many reasons we don’t have a hot tub.

Mom can’t leave the room. Mom can’t talk to someone else on the phone. Mom can’t go to the bathroom without someone kicking down the door. I wonder what it feels like from the Mom’s side? There are plenty of dads out there who are the Mom in their house, in the same encompassing, universal fashion. I wonder if they feel the same way?

I thought about all of this as I scrubbed down the kitchen for the fourth time that day, and then I said a little prayer that everyone gets better soon.

As for me, I am already plotting my next trip as I dodge heat-seeking chicken sandwiches. Sorry dear, duty calls. 🙂

 

 

 

5 tips for travelling light

Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris, France. Not pictured: the smell.
Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris, France. Not pictured: the smell.

One of the most profound things I’ve done to improve my travelling experience is to learn to get by with only one bag. With Spring Break approaching, I wanted to share some tips for travelling well and easily. These tips work equally well for professionals travelling with suits as they do for families travelling with children.

Make a list (and use it)

This is the top tip in every travel blog you will ever read, and for good reason. In the heat of a frantic packing session, you are much more inclined to pack something “just in case” which leads to nonsense like packing a sweater and a jacket for a summer trip. In the calm, clear light of day make a list, then use it. Every time. I once left for a 3 day business trip– without packing underwear. It was the only time I didn’t print my list. Let the list do the thinking for you.

panda-suit
If you really, absolutely need a panda-bear wearing a bow tie costume, then fine, bring it. But what are the odds?

Kid tip: The first time I did this, I told each kid to write their own list and I would check it. This proved to be too much work, because I had to check the list and then check their bags.  The second time, I wrote the list for them on the computer and just printed a copy for each child. It was easier to note their individual exceptions. As a bonus, the amount of whining about “where’s my …” disappeared completely. They took ownership of the contents of their bag, and even the 5 year old was able to do a first pass by himself.

Limit yourself to one bag

Onebag.com is the authoritative reference for one bag travel and is worth a bookmark. If I can summarize some of the many advantages of travelling with only one bag they would be:

  1. You save money by not checking a bag
  2. There is zero chance of lost bags because your bag will always be with you
  3. If you’re subject to broken airplane syndrome, you can get off the plane with your bag and get on anything else without having to stop and collect your things
There is no Hell, we’ve invented it for ourselves.

The rule is:

one to wash, one to wear, and one spare.

What about shoes? My packing rule is usually one casual pair and one athletic pair in the bag, and my work/dress shoes on my feet while I travel (this gives me the opportunity to shine them up in the airport, which isn’t necessarily frugal, but is a great opportunity to relax a bit).

Kid tip: Depending on the age of your kids, you can probably get by with their school back packs for travel. The only time I would suggest something different is if their school bag is one of the cheapo character backpacks where the company spent more money to license the latest Pixar character than they did to construct the bag. I have had two of those bags break mid-trip on me, and it has always resulted in having to split up the clothes between my my bag and my wife’s bag.

Plan to do (just a little!) laundry on the road

Being prepared to do laundry allows you to massively cut back on the amount of clothing you have to bring, which allows you to meet the ultimate goal of only packing one bag. All you need is a travel laundry line (maybe two, depending on the size of your family) and a few satchels of soap.

I don’t know what’s more disturbing, that I googled “travel laundry line” and found a picture of someone’s knickers, or that I am not surprised by this

At this point you might be thinking I do laundry all the time at home, why would I want to do laundry on vacation? The answer is a little bit of work that’s not difficult for a LOT of extra gain. En suite laundry is trivially easy to do– it’s like the crock pot cooking of laundry. It’s hardly as exasperating as household laundry, in part because you’re doing so much less of it at a time. You fill a sink (or bidet) with water, add a packet of handwashing soap, soak your clothes for a few minutes (maybe while brushing your teeth), rinse them, wring out the water, and hang to dry. If you’re in posh digs you can use one of the extra towels to take out a little extra moisture. The whole process takes 15 minutes, tops. You make back that 15 minutes by not having to stand at the baggage carousel one time waiting for a checked bag.

Kid tipYou have a few factors working for you in this scenario. First, if you have small children (and especially boys), they are naturally inclined to wear underwear for days at a time, and you can chose to strategically forget this. If you’re going to be someplace with a “base of operations” — a hotel room, rental cottage, or similar — it’s worth it to pack a small bag that can be used as a hamper. For best results, do the laundry in the morning before you leave for the day. If I had to scale up this process to my family of six, I would fill a tub instead of a sink and let the laundry soak in the soapy water for a bit. So far all of my long duration family travel has been to cottages with washing machines, so it was even easier because 2 days worth of clothes for even the six of us is barely a load in a machine washer.

Buy a good bag (not from the mall)

Even when you’re going to a sunny destination with coral water and white sand, the process of getting there can still be a stressful experience. Your bag is the heart of your little travel universe. If that bag tears, or a zipper busts, or a strap rips, and you’re in the middle of the adventure of a lifetime, your first priority is going to be dealing with your injured bag. Don’t buy a Samsonite, or a Tumi, or a North Face… you tend to spend too much and get too little. It’s just not worth the risk. And you were worried about a little laundry?

Don’t buy anything with wheels. In the same way that the personal warehouse industry has sprung up to meet the  needs of people who have too much crap in their house, wheeled bags sprang into existence to make life easier for people who pack too much crap into their bag. Wheels and handles add weight to a bag, and weight is the enemy. Don’t pack a bag that you can’t run through an airport carrying.

Specifically, the CLT 5K sprint from B15 to E15. STAND ON THE RIGHT! WALK ON THE LEFT!

So what do I recommend? My personal favorite is the Tom Bihn Aeronaut. Red Oxx also makes excellent bags. Neither are sold in stores (unless you live in Seattle, Washington or Billings, Montana respectively). Both bags will be the last bag you ever buy. For kids, we have had good results with the LL Bean backpacks as being durable enough to survive multiple school years and go on vacation with us.

Learn to bundle pack

Bundle-packing is the art of arranging your clothes in your bag to minimize the amount of wrinkling involved. It normally does a great job of getting my clothes to the hotel fairly smoothly, and then a light steaming while I’m showering in the morning helps the rest of the wrinkles fall out. If your wardrobe doesn’t have the same requirements for de-wrinkling, you might be happy with a packing cube system, but I have tried both and tend to favor the bundle method. Yes, it works with suits and jackets.

On the way home, I usually go for the “stuff everything in I’m late for my plane” packing technique.

Pro tip: when using the interior ties/straps in your bag, don’t cinch them down all the way, this will create more wrinkles. Also, don’t put your toiletries in the middle of your bundle unless you want to unpack in front of airport security.

Kid tip: I actually favor packing cubes for kids, because they’re expected to be a little wrinkly under most occasions, and it helps keep their clothes apart from their toys. There’s an REI near us, and they carry the Eagle Creek brand, which are very good quality.

Ramble on

One thing that’s gotten a lot easier with age is the willingness to invest a little up-front effort to save myself some pain down the road, if only because I’ve done it the painful way enough times to eventually learn. I hope you can learn a little from my mistakes and make your own travel experience a little bit easier.